Wishful Thinking

A little drop hits my lips and the truth starts slipping out,
The words standing at attention ready to march out,
A few glasses later I can’t usually control my mouth
And it's too late to even begin to have doubts,
I can’t control the words coming from the depths of my mind,
The words I’ve been wanting to say but can't with a sober mind,
They say alcohol speaks the truth,
Well the truth is I'm writing this sober,
Drunk off these melodies that I'm using to stimulate my thoughts further,
These thoughts that have started to almost haunt,
So I need to align these words to the perfection I want,
And I don't need alcohol to tell you all the things I'm wishing I could do to you,
Some days I honestly don't even know how I make it through,
But the thought of me gently tracing every outline of your body helps me to hope,
That soon I'll be revealing my inner freak through erotically aligned whispering words close to your earlobes,
Followed by drawing patterns in pulsating places like your inner thighs,
Building up that sweet pressure that causes the uncontrolled escape of a sigh,
Watching your body arch and crave for more of my touch,
And I comply but giving you a little more but not too much,
Seeing you close your eyes and savour the moment,
Your breaths speeding up with every moment,
Your excitement showing through the cotton that divides my fingers from your skin,
Between those thighs the layer of fabric is thin,
Wanting to touch you there but enjoying watching you lose control,
Needing me to give you the release that is being sought after by your soul,
Deciding to ease a little of your aching torture,
I slip the fabric to the side and began playing with my finger,
Circular motions as your hips rise and try seek out more to soothe your ache,
I began to enter your warmth gently teasing my finger in as I stare in your face,
Your lips parting slightly as you gasped for air,
Peeling up your vest top to reveal nipples that stood erect and bare,
The feeling of you gripping my finger with your tightness as if you're holding onto dear life,
I begin to form a rhythm, pulling my finger out to the tip but never leaving your inside,
Bending my head I circle your nipple with my tongue then cover it completely,
I feel your heart rate beating fast, speeding,
Deciding that I needed to know more about how good you taste,
I leave a trail of kisses along the way before I get between your legs and bury my face,
Rewind rewind rewind,
Wishful thinking can go as far as the person wants it to,
I'd go all the way if you want me to,
And I want you to want me to,
I can't leave those almost realistic thoughts trapped in the depths of my mind,
Flirtatious looks, walks, talks, all those are so unkind,
To a fantasy that is trying so hard to become real,
And I just can't help it, but that's exactly how I feel,
But it seems so far from being real,
So for now I'll seek pleasure from being able to replay it in my mind as its just wishful thinking,
And maybe it's just a fantasy in which I keep wishing!

Note: Switching up a bit. Creativity has to be versatile. Hope you enjoy :) Love Tanny x

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Part Two: Remember That Thing Called Feelings

Remember that thing called feelings 
I'm still figuring out its meaning 
And you know what it's kind of hard communicating 
When the other party is not as willing 
It's been a couple years now I've been lost in this feeling 
My hearts been broken and is now healing
For a second I thought I was losing 
My mind because of you I just kept on thinking 
My heart kept racing 
Every day my mind was chasing
Memories I kept on tracing 
This thing called feelings 
I got so deep in it I thought I was caved in
Tried to break free couple times but I couldn't
And guess what I just messed up my rhyme pattern 
All because I'm trying to paint a picture of what I've been through 
This thing called feelings isn't nice
Countless tissues were used to wipe my eyes, blow my nose
I wish I could use them to wipe the scars off my heart that you left exposed
I guess I still haven't figured out this thing called feelings meaning
I guess I'm still trying to account for these feelings 
But this thing called feelings
I swear it will get you messed up 
Follow your heart not your mind that was my motto, I guess that fucked up 
Because this thing called feelings had me following both my mind and my heart 
Had my brain battling with my emotions
Had my tears fighting the scars
Is it worth it to feel a feeling that will have your so soul lost 
Does heartache really have a cost? If so what's the price for the pain?
Because if I add it up it all equals time that I can't regain 
This thing called feelings now got me analysing every situation
Got my guards up with electric fencing
This thing called feelings got me thinking I dont want to feel another feeling like this
But truth be told I loved the highlights, so I will feel other feelings in spite of this
Just not like this
I don't plan on repeating
And by then hopefully I'll be able to tell you its meaning.

Note: Part two to the 'This Thing Called Feelings'. I hope you enjoy it. Thats for reading as always. Love Tanny xx:)

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2014 Forest Hills Drive

J.Cole: Cole World: The Sideline Story
Last time I wrote an album review it was something worth writing about and I guess that goes to show that I haven't heard anything great in a while. I've been meaning to write this post for ages but only just gotten round to doing it. I've been really busy and all but I am glad that I'm finally sharing this with you all. I'm not going to drag on though so let's get stuck in...

Jermaine Cole released 'Born Sinner' in 2013, June 14th to be exact and that album hasn't really grown on me. I think my favourite song from that album by far was 'Crooked Smile'. I also liked a couple others like 'She Knows; and 'Trouble'. I don't really have much to say about the album other than that.

On the 9th of December 2014, Cole dropped possibly his best album thus far called '2014 Forest Hills Drive'. Whilst in my opinion it's very close to his 2011 album 'Cole World: The Sideline Story', '2014 Forest Hills Drive' shows the growth in his music, his thought process and displays his vision as a producer and artist.

J.Cole: 2014 Forest Hills Drive album cover
To cause a little stir and this is solely my opinion, I think he drew from his 'Cole World: The Sideline Story' album in the sense that the sounds are vaguely similar on a few tracks. To be exact I thought 'Wet  Dreams' from '2014 Forest Hills Drive' has a similar beat and vibe to it as 'Rise ans Shine' from 'Cole World: The Sideline Story'. I guess once you done something great in order to out do yourself you have to draw from your previous work, analyse it, and go from there. And it seems as though that's what Cole has done on this album as well as use what in happening in his personal life and in his country.

We hear Cole's thought process as if the words painted the pictures in front of our eyes and we watched each punchline and metaphor from every track. It's almost like he laid his mind out on every track painting a picture of what he wants us to see through his lyrical content.

Forest Hills Drive CD back track-list
When an album is great, you'd assume naturally that it is hard to have a favourite and I understand that entirely because I found it hard to choose my favoruite. But I have it settled. Whilst the overall vibe of the album made this process difficult, I have narrowed it down to my top three. These are 'No Role Models', '03 Adolescence' and 'Tales of 2 Cities'. Originally 'Love Yours' and 'Wet dreams' were in the top three until I fell in love with 'No Role Models' and '03 Adolescence', see what I mean when I said it's hard. I should have done my least favourite but that would have been just as hard; and by the way those are in no particular order.  'G.O.M.D' and 'Fire Squad' are in a league of their own and I won't even get into that. 'January 28th' is up there as well but it's fair to say that 'St Tropez', 'Apparently' and 'Hello' are still growing on me but in time... in time.
I won't go into details about the reason why I love these tracks but I will say if you do listen to them, carefully listen to the words.

All in all, the fact that Cole has grown musically and really seems to have put a lot of thought into his music is refreshing. It nice to see an artist who doesn't rely so much on the beat to carry off his track over the lyrical content which tends to be the trend nowadays.

I won't babble on, I will leave it there but I will encourage my readers to have a listen to J.Cole's music and formulate their own opinions. This post was entirely my perspective of his '2014 Forest Hills Drive' album and I don't expect anyone to label what I have said as factual. I am certainly I fan of J.Cole and have been since his mixtape days.

Note: Thank you for reading. I was meant to post this review ages ago, as  I said but it's never too late. Anyways hope you are all well. Much love to you all. Tanny x

2 Doughnuts, 2 Cans of Pop & A £5 note.

I rarely see people giving to the homeless on the streets nowadays. I use to buy this homeless guy food almost every Friday a few years ago and I do try to give as much as I can... when I remember. 
I know that sounds bad but we are too wrapped up in our own lives trying to keep up with the world and its changes on a daily that we tend to rush past people we see on side walks asking for spare change. Either that or we are so used to saying "no" that it becomes almost like second nature when someone interrupts our daily routine to ask us for a few coins. Having said that I don't like giving anyone money that asks for it on the street, I tend to drop my spare change in a busker's guitar case if anything. I'd rather give food to those I see asking for spare change, at least I know that they have had something to eat. There is a stereotype that those who are asking for spare change tend to use it to buy drugs, alcohol or other substances. Now I'm not saying that that goes for everyone, cause sometimes some of them might need the money to travel or for food or others things but on a personal front I prefer buying them something to eat. 

Anyways the point of this post is because 1) I haven't posted anything in a while and 2) I wanted to share this with all my readers...

So, the other I went to get a few things from a supermarket, amongst the things that I brought were three Krispy Kreme doughnuts and three cans of pop. As I left the store and was walking to the bus stop I was fantasizing about getting tucked into the doughnuts when I reach home but when I turned a corner I saw two guys sitting on the side, who looked homeless, naturally I walked past them. I then stopped and turned back without thinking twice and I gave them each a doughnut and a can of pop. They thanked me and wished me well. I felt great at this point, almost super human to be cliché. 
Anyways, I carried on to my bus stop, when I arrived I checked my pockets and had a five pound note, and I turned to go back to give them the money; but I then changed my mind. I walked around to a local chip shop and ordered two potions of chips and a small pizza for £3+
The food felt like it took years to be ready, I rushed back to give the guys the food and to my dismay they were no longer there. I felt so gutted but angry at the guy in the chip shop for taking so long. I swear I almost cried, I felt like I let them down, I can't explain the feeling but it was horrible. 
On my way back to my bus stop again, I saw a homeless woman so I gave her the pizza and chips, although I still felt a bit bad for not giving them to the guys I initially brought them for but giving is giving at the end of the day and I guess I still fed someone.

I always try to give to those worst off than me and sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have a bed to sleep in or have a decent meal, Some people literally live in the seconds on every day, knowing that tomorrow is not promised but trying to survive the days as they come. I realise that I complain too much and I'm not thankful enough. That's got to change, perhaps you might feel so as well.

Note: Hope you are all well. Take care of yourselves and stay blessed. Medz pon dat... Love Tanny xx 

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Sometimes it's hard to not get wrapped up in the events of life and what is happening around you
But then again sometimes getting involved might not be an intention but something that just happened
Sometimes it's better to turn a blind eye and keep on walking
Sometimes it's better to keep your opinions to yourself than start talking
Sometimes you need to realise when things don't concern you
Sometimes putting your nose where it doesn't belong could end up ruining you
Sometimes life is just teaching you a lesson
So some mistakes are good and can be mended
But others show where certain things in your life should be ended
And they say silent rivers run deep
So there are times that you should let your silence speak

Note: Thoughts swirling... Shout out to those who still visit my blog. Love yall. Tanny xx

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Woll A Reason...


Yuh affi just learn fi just bill more while and just woll a medz. Life nuh easy but sumaddy outdeh always have it harder dan yuh, just give thanks. All when life feel like it cyaa get nuh worse, a just the storm before di calm dat suh just woll di faith.
Mummy a my role model. All when tings did rough, mummy still a cut and a go chuu kah she woll di faith and nuh let guh. Suh mi always try fi do di same.

More wile mi feel fed up and feel like mi waan give up an ting but mi seh to miself mummy neva give up suh mi cyaa do dat. Mi affi mek mummy proud. Right ya now tings slow and sticky but a life and mi still a woll di faith. 

Nuh watch nuhbady, nuh badmind nuhbady, focus pon yuh self. Kah yuh cudana watch sumaddy and dem garn a lead while yuh still deh deh inna mi same place. Try fi better fi yuh life, everybady av dem owna way fi do dat suh just dweet how yuh kno how. 

Pree dis...

Life nuh easy
Every man affi eat
Nuff people get greedy
And dem kno seh food nuh cheap
Nuff signs show God soon come fi him land
Just mek sure seh woll di faith
And nuh watch nuh man!

Mi kno seh sometimes mi just need fi woll a reason wid sumaddy fi set mi mind straight again. Nuff times people nuh appreciate weh dem av inna dem life because dem nah look pon di positive side a tings, and mi can vouch fi dat miself kah a nuff time mi dwell pon negative tings. But mi a learn seh dat nah guh get mi noweh. Just affi gwarn woll di faith.

Note: Thinking... Hope all is well on your end. Tanny xx

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Fi Wi Board House

Fi wi board house did strong and di kersine oil lamp did bright
Stone well kotch up di window and newspaper stuff peep hole fi stop centipede from come in at night
One bed fi di 3 a wi, mi sista pon di left and me pon di right
We never av nutten luxurious but wi did a still live life
Monday morning hair well comb and uniform well neat
Mi tek my place inna mi regular classroom seat
Belly well full kah mommy mek cornmeal porridge fi wi eat
And mek sure send wi guh learn kah education a di key
Whilst wi garn a school shi garn a supermarket and always carry back patty fi wi
Nah favour one over di other kah a did di two a wi
If a one sweetie it a split into two
Kah yuh cyaa gi one and nuh gi two
Like peas in a pod a di three a wi anyweh wi guh
A bond like fi wi rare kah nowadays pikney nah grow suh
Dats why mi nah figet weh mi come from anyweh mi guh
Kah mi memba di road weh mi did a trod pon did ruff
Mi have di upmost respect fi mummy and wi gi har everything
Mek sure shi well kriss and har belly nah bawl fi feeding
Kah nutten nuh sweet suh like a mothers love
Cherish it kah nuff nahv none
Concrete shi live inna now and it nahv nuh peep hole
Have up microwave, fridge and all gas stove
All dem sumun yah might nuh seem like nutten
But mi memba a nutten wi a come from fi av up alla dem yah sumun
Suh mi give thanks fi everything weh wi have
And above all wi still av life suh mi nuh muss glad! 

Note: Hope you like it. Love you all. Tanny xx

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Letting You Into My Thoughts (As Usual)

Hey, Bonjour, Hola, Ni hao...

So it's been a while, a long while. I feel like I say this on more or less every post because I leave it so long to post. (I need to brush up on my consistency, I know, I know)

First I want to say, THANK YOU to those who still visit my blog. I'm actually surprised that people still do but very grateful as well. So a massive thank you to you all.

Now on to the juicy bits... where should I start...

Hmmmm (thinking...)

Life is great I guess, because I am alive and well so I'm thankful for that. Although I have a mental battle going on at the moment but otherwise I'm good. Hope you and yours (if you have a yours) are too. Everything has just been crazy lately. You could say the big bad world just slapped me in my face cause all I seem to do is work and work and work only for the money to be gone as soon as I get paid. Crazy but such is life and I can't even say it's life because I still have things fairly easy, if you know what I mean.
In the midst of it all, I'm still trying to figure myself out. I know in a few years time (God willing) I will look back and probably laugh at myself for being so confused but I'm just trying to focus on now. I say trying because that is all I can do, try.

Meanwhile, I keep seeing videos almost everyday of the 'Ice Bucket Challenge'. I mean it's all suppose to be in the name of charity but I can't help thinking that there is some deeper meaning behind it. I mean look at the popularity and out of all things charitable why is this one so viral. Most people are just being bandwagonists and are doing it for the fun of it without donating, which defeats the whole object. Pouring ice cold water on yourself does not solve anything, it shows that you did it but that is all. And where is the logic in that?! Anyways, I guess that's my opinion on that, I won't go any further.

I'm listening to PartyNextDoor- TBH whilst writing this. At this moment in time this song speaks volumes to me. You know when you want someone, but not so sure if that feeling is mutual; yet that person is sending you signals that has you thinking whether to act on them or not. I'm going through some type of Morse code, mix messages situation and I dislike when someone says something but their actions doesn't imitate their words. Yes, this is part of my confusion. It's one of those situations that you either wait out or make up your mind to just look the other way and I'm kind of in between waiting and turning my head. I'm so confused it's unreal.

I feel like I need to sit down and pour my heart out to someone. I mean, nowadays it's hard to find someone genuine who will listen and keep what's been said to themselves and who won't judge you as well. I mean, I don't mind what others have to say about me because my outer appearance can be a conversational topic, but I guess most people always judge books by their covers. But I still feel the need to just let it all out.

This is why I turned to my blog, I guess old habits never die. I just needed to jot down some of what is circulating in my brain for a minute. And whilst people may read this and find it useless, there is always one person that finds it useful and that is why I post; well when I have the time.

Life is hectic, time is limited and creativity is hiding in a closet at the moment. This seems like an excuse, but no excuse, nothing but the truth. Consistency is the key but I'm still trying to find the lock. Bare with me...

That's all for now though.

Note: Love you all. Tanny xx

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EXPERIENCE or lack of it...

Experience Or Lack Of It

Lack of experience... This phrase is like death itself.

In a world where no-one wants to give you a chance to gain the experience that you need, yet you are suppose to have the experience in order to even be considered for a position. Yes, it's jobs that I'm talking about. The ones that don't require any experience are the ones that lack a stable paycheck. So what do you do? I mean even  most trainee-ships require some form of experience, which defeats the whole point of them being called trainee-ships; isn't the sole purpose of them to train whilst you earn.

My frustration is at it's peak right now... If you didn't study a career led subject, by this I mean doing degrees to lead you into some form of uniform job; i.e doctors, nurses, therapists etc, then ultimately the job industry becomes a rock. And most of those who study anything to do with creativity find it ten times harder to break into this rock of an industry.
Somehow, it's like it is pointless to do anything to do with creativity unless you know you can make money out of it. This is where I am struggling. I dable in almost everything that is creative, I can draw, write, create and edit yet I can't seem to get the opportunity I need to put these things to good use and make money.
I want to be a part of the small percentage of people that actually wake up and look forward to going to work because they love what they do. That is all. 

You almost start to feel guilty for choosing the path that you had....

I've started to think of ways that I can utilise all of my skills and I keep coming up short because in order to do something I need money to start it off, which ultimately leads me back to square one; right at the beginning of my frustration.

The sad part of this all is that whilst you are trying to research and figure how to combine all that you can do, you have to have money coming in somewhere, so you apply to mediocre jobs. The down side of these 9-5 or part time roles is that you spend most of your time trying to earn as much as you can for the little that you are getting paid. This leads to lack of time to develop the skills that you have or even lack of time to use these skills to be creative. Your creativity them becomes a plant that hasn't been watered or exposed to sunlight and we all know what happens after that. And where does this lead to... right back to the beginning of my frustration, again.

Hope and perseverance are like ying and yang in situations like these. When a part of you wants to give up, another part of you wants to try harder, wants to persevere and vise se versa. All I can say is, go with your instincts.

I know that a lot of people are in a similar boat, and some storms are harder to ride out than others, but if you get knocked off just make sure you can swim and if you can't swim then stay well away from the edges.

Basically what I am saying is, from one frustrated being to another, don't let both hope and perseverance drown, as long as you keep one above the waters you should be fine.  

Note: .... Love Tanny xx

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Blinking Back The Tears

It is normal in life to have ups and downs but I feel as though I'm just having strings of downs... I'm not being an ingrate because I am very much thankful for what I have achieved so far, but when you have a feeling that you should be greater than you are; it is hard to appreciate what you have already. But none the less I am still grateful.

I'm blinking back the tears as I type this...

It's hard to explain how I feel because it is as though I am lost in the feeling of feeling lost. I'm not sure how much sense that makes but that's the best I can come up with about the description of how I feel. I mean, usually I try to post things that are positive and uplifting etc but I feel like the only way I can try ease the mixture of feelings I'm currently feeling is to just write. So here I am, writing a post that most of you will probably ignore.

Maybe this is a cry for help, but only to those who hear it. I don't know. Maybe typing this alone will sum up just how much of a muddle of confusion I am in. Again, I don't know.

These internal battles are not just at war with me but with themselves.

I've turned to the one thing that helped me through previous moments like these but as I am typing this I am fighting not to go to the depths of my pain and only express what is floating at the top.

I don't know how long I can blink back these tears for...

I really don't know...

Note: _______ Love for the support. Tanny xx

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